as is from Hat City Entertainment... April 2007...
This year, my son didn’t feel like having his picture taken with the Easter Bunny, so I decided to have mine taken instead. Below is a print of the actual photo, which I asked the editor to print so the general public could view it. Actually, my psychiatrist recommended that I have the photo printed since she expressed some concern, to local and federal authorities, whether or not the photograph ever existed at all. |
I’ll be the first to admit that a grown man sitting on the lap of the Easter Bunny, in this day and age of conspiracy theories and secret societies, could certainly be interpreted as a clear violation of the Patriot Act. However, not only did I not get arrested for breaking the law, but the Easter Bunny invited me out to dinner and drinks! We munched on hard-boiled eggs, sipped spiked, celery-stick cocktails, and talked about normal things, like his massive, underground field of Easter grass, his unorthodox, fertility rituals, and the secrets of his best-selling book, The Easter Bunny Speaks: Inside the Golden Egg.
Surprisingly, during our dinner I learned that the Easter Bunny wasn’t the first choice for the holiday job. “One day, I was in my favorite Chinese restaurant nibbling on an egg roll when this guy started talking to me. He showed me his business card, told me that he was Santa Claus’ agent, and mentioned that he was searching for a good-looking animal to represent Easter. I guess he thought I’d be pretty good at hiding eggs and waving to children….” The Easter Bunny further explained that Punxsutawney Phil was initially offered the job as the Easter icon but turned it down due to religious reasons.
“Are you and Santa Claus good friends?” I asked.
“Hardly,” the Easter Bunny replied while knocking a hard-boiled egg against his head to break the shell. “Nowadays, Santa sees me as competition. We were good friends before he started selling photos in the local mall. Now, he’s all about stuffing his own stocking. Good ol’ Saint Nick wanted ‘kick backs’ from MY photo business! Can you believe that? He told me that the mall was his “turf.” He also told me that a loyal elf would “turn my foot into a good luck charm” if I didn’t agree to his demands. I couldn’t believe it! My customers can’t afford to buy my gourmet jellybeans for $5.99, never mind a photo package for $25.99, and this guy wanted me to raise my prices to give him a cut? NO WAY. You know what I say? I say, ‘Go ahead, Santa, cut off my foot!’ I really don’t care, to tell you the truth. It certainly wouldn’t be the first rabbit’s foot I’ve seen on a key chain. Santa Claus is a con artist. Most adult rabbits only have three legs because of people like him. Millions of rabbit’s feet are dyed orange and given away as a prize at some carnival game…” At this point, I decided to change the subject.
“Did you have to sign a contract to become the Easter bunny?”
“No, the job is mine forever. I don’t have any competition or natural enemies. I’ve already talked to Phil the groundhog. He’s happy with his Groundhog Day job, and to tell you the truth, I think he’s good at what he does. If people are happy with me being the Easter Bunny, then I’m happy being the Easter Bunny. My Easter grass business is booming, anyway.”
“What is Easter grass, anyway? Is it made of plastic?”
“To tell you the truth, I’m not really sure. A while ago, I bought some seeds in Europe that were labeled “Easter Grass” on the package. Personally, I eat the grass everyday because I use it for medicinal reasons, but children have enjoyed stuffing their baskets with the stuff for years. It’s a holiday tradition. I’m looking to expand my colors next year with customer demand. Now, the only colors available are blue, yellow, pink and green.”
“Do you have any plans for the summer?”
“Revenge. I want to put Santa Claus out of business. My buddy, Larry, is a real-life leprechaun and he just signed a photo contract for St. Patrick’s Day in the mall. He’s building ‘Shamrock Forest’ in the same spot as ‘Christmas Village.’ I’m also helping Tom the Turkey design his own photo business with a huge ‘Thanksgiving Day Feast’ display for November. I’m trying to get Uncle Sam for The Fourth of July, Cupid for Valentine’s Day and The Great Pumpkin for Halloween. My goal is to kick Santa out of town then franchise my business to other malls: a photography business featuring one holiday character per month. However, I’m finding it difficult for people to take me seriously.” At dinner, the Easter Bunny also mentioned his plans to travel cross-country on a lawnmower this summer. “Why not?” he shrugged. “Everyone else seems to be doing it.”
If there truly are no coincidences in life then I hope my psychiatrist has a camera in her car along with a bag of Easter grass. I’ve got a funny feeling that this summer she will finally meet the Easter Bunny on the side of the road and may find the need to validate reality by snapping a photo through the lens of opportunity. But if it’s you who happens to be on the side of the road giving directions to a giant rabbit on a lawn mower, don’t forget to ask him for a golden egg. Believe me. You won’t be disappointed.
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