The Stem

The Stem
by Joe Shaboo


You, the one who walks along those wild trails of grass,
Have you ever held the stem whose rose forever lasts?
"There is not one," so says the man whose eyes are made of glass.
Empty men speak hollow words to fill their broken past.
The stem, my friend, is rooted deep, not found by trails of grass.
It seeds itself beneath our feet to sprout into our souls.
And there it grows, so strong and tall, to vine around our bones
Where it buds and blooms for you and me never again alone.
So hold the stem, say no more, and I shall do the same
while scents of rose tickle our nose to set our leaves aflame.

The Whipping Post

The Whipping Post
by Joe Shaboo

(Naugatuck Valley Community College: 1996)

There is a man up on the hill, some say he is a ghost.
A crucifix hangs on his door, this is the whipping post.
The dead who dare go dashing there with behinds in their hands.
They come from under rocks, they say, from every single land.
They come by horse, dead or alive, to pray then all are whipped
And sent inside to meet the man who listens to their scripts.
His name is Samda Nostradam. His eyes are crystal balls.
Some say he is a ghost, you know. His eyes can see it all.
So off I ran to meet the man. A line was fifty deep.
Some people waited fifty years, how purgatory keeps.
Old rats and bones were strewn around the people by the door.
A skeleton knelt down next to me and begged my life for more.
And I said, "Though penance is not pennywise, at times it can make sense.
But bones cannot redeem themselves when life is what they've spent."
The skeleton yelled back at me, "How dare you knock aloud.
Oh, Life, you are who I support like air supports the clouds!"
And with these words, he brandished knives within each bony grip
And swung across my jugular. My blood was on those tips.
So off I ran, while clutching throat, afraid I'd turn to ghost...
My life was flogged but did not fall nearby that whipping post.

Hoobert Whoever and The Land of The Upside Down

Hoobert Whoever and The Land of The Upside Down

by Joe Shaboo

(I began writing Hoobert Whoever and The Land of The Upside Down in 1996. The story inspired a Phil Cheney painting by the same name.)

Hoobert Whoever went to bed last night,

like any other night before.

He brushed his teeth, turned out the lights

and closed his bedroom door.

He pulled up his covers, fluffed his pillows,

tucked himself into bed…

and that’s when the world’s most beautiful dream

took place inside of his head.


Chapter One:  A Pink Elephant Surprise

                   “What do you want?” Hoobert asked the giraffe. “It’s time to go to bed.”
                   “There’s an elephant out here waiting for you and it’s very important," he said. "You are ‘Hoobert Whoever.’ Is that right?”

                   “It is.”

                   “Well, I’m Howard, however, my friend’s call me Jeff. You need to slide down my neck. There’s an  elephant outside waiting for you to help you begin your trek. It’s a super-unique pachyderm taxi...it's really one of a kind…it’s the biggest pink pachaderym you’ll ever fly on and it’s equipped with a human mind.”

                  “Really?” asked Hoobert. He heard about this. He had to go out for a peek, so he climbed through the window and slid down to the ground …where the elephant started to speak! It was an immense, pink elephant, standing like a human, his arms folded across his chest. 
                 “Welcome Aboard!” the pink elephant said. “ I’m delighted you’ll be my guest. You created me Mr. Hoobert Whoever. I exist because of your thoughts, and I’m ready to take you to the Land of Wherever where I have happily yet to be caught! I shouldn’t be doing this but it needs to be done. We’re going to go for a ride. Hold onto my ears as tight as you can and try not to fall off the side.”

                 “Where are we going? And where did you come from?” Hoobert's heartbeat was on the rise.

                 “I don’t know,” said the elephant. "I just flap my ears stuck on the side of my head. We’ll be taking off soon... so take a quick nap or pretend that you're still in your bed."

                 A big-bellied bird was flying nearby. She asked, “Where do you think you're going? A child can’t ride on a pink elephant’s back until that child is done growing!” The elephant explained they were going to Wherever and the bird wished both of them well. Then he ruffled his feathers up over his shoulders like there was some secret he had waited to tell.

               “Have a safe flight,” the bird whispered softly. “And I’ll give you a little warning. Hoobert must be back in his bed and ready for school by 7 o'clock tomorrow morning. One more thing about the Land of The Upside-Down…there’s only one door to get in and one door to get out, so remember this helpful hint. The secret password to open the door is 'Double-Dip-Chocolate-Mocha-Chip-Mint. Follow me,” said the bird. “I know where to go.” She flapped her colorful wings. “May your journey be guided by elephant ears and bring whatever it brings.”

             “We’re coming. We’re coming,” the elephant assured the bird, his voice muffled by the breeze. Then his trunk spun faster, his body took off and Hoobert began to freeze.  The elephant was happy to be flying again, but Hoobert was a bit terrified. After all, he knew later he needed to get back home… but how would he ever get a ride?

 Chapter Two:     The Trip to Wherever

            “There’s the door over there,” nodded the bird. “It should be big enough for you. It’s as wide as an elephant and as high as the sky so you should be able to fit through.”  Hoobert peeked from under one eyelid, and looked down below. He saw the ocean shimmering on shore. Towering up and over the top of a gigantic palm tree, he saw the enormous door. The elephant’s trunk began to sputter. He searched for somewhere to land. Five seconds later, he skidded on shore and his ankles were stuck  in the sand.

            Hoobert hopped off the elephant’s back. A feather was lying on the ground. It belonged to the wing of the big-bellied bird, but the bird was nowhere to be found. Hoobert knocked softly upon the door. The doorknob was plated with chrome.  “Who do you think is inside?” he asked.

           “I don’t think there’s anyone home.” The door was painted with pumpkin orange. It stood between two trees. A sign was posted above that read, “All who enter must have one of these.” The elephant wrapped his trunk around the knob. He tugged with all of his might. "This door must be locked,” the elephant huffed. “It’s putting up quite of a fight.”

           Hoobert was a thinker. He thought for a moment and then he remembered the hint. “I wonder what happens if somebody says, ‘Double-Dip-Chocolate-Mocha-Chip-Mint?’" There was a creak and a squeak then the door cracked open like a wall to an ancient tomb. Hoobert saw cobwebs on an old, wooden sign that read “Today Soofles Are In Bloom.” Hoobert walked further into the room. The floor was covered in mold. A staircase descended into the darkness and the steps were made of gold.

          A seashell smell rushed up from the stairs like an ocean breeze at low tide. Hoobert sniffed the salt-water perfume then heard a voice from deep inside. He descended the staircase carefully, testing each step for his friend, but as soon as the elephant stepped down on the first, the stairwell began to bend! The boards instantly cracked and split underneath the elephant’s weight. Hoobert cried out, “Let’s get off of these stairs!” but it was already too late.

         The stairwell collapsed and both of them plunged into the mysterious shaft. They fell through the Earth but quickly landed inside a bizarre, remote controlled craft. Their heads were dunked in a bucket of water, their bodies were scrubbed with soap, then the machine ejected them both through a tunel that was actually a kaliedoscope!

Hoobert could see a bright light up ahead. It twinkled at the end of the tunnel, but as they tumbled towards it they eventually fell into a giant, stainless steel funnel. 
          Hoobert was stuck in the neck of the funnel. The elephant was close behind. It was darker than the center of an abandoned mine and Hoobert thought he went blind. Suddenly, the elephant pushed Hoobert through, he followed, and they tried to hide, but something strapped them to an operating table as soon as they fell outside. 
          Mechanical fingers poked their bodies and sprinkled their skin with flour while rolling pins rolled every bone in their bodies for a little over an hour. When the straps unbuckled, they rolled off the table and landed on a giant spoon. They were dipped in honey, tossed up in the air and wrapped in a doughy cocoon.  Mechanical fingers checked their throats and put raisins inside of their ears. An expiration date was stamped on their foreheads: “Good for two more years.” 

           A measuring cup scooped them up and dumped them deeper into the ground. They landed on top of a mountain of sugar without even making a sound. They rolled head-over-heels down the side of the mountain and landed near Buttermilk Lake. The sand smelled like a sugary blend of strawberry-cinnamon cake. A man was standing at the top of the mountain. He wore a beautiful crown and said, “I am the Chief of The Wherever Police in The Land of the Upside-Down.”

            The man struck a match then lit a fuse. The fuse was hooked to a wire. Hoobert heard a *BOOM*, it smelled like smoke, then suddenly the beach was on fire. A loud explosion shook the canyon. The man disappeared from view. Hoobert and the elephant were trapped on the beach and neither one knew what to do. Then something appeared in the middle of the lake like a submarine rising on its side. It had tubes on the top, a tube in the middle, and a tornado spinning inside.

           Hoobert and the elephant were whisked away and slurped inside of a hose. Hoobert was trapped between cubes of sugar and had trouble feeling his nose. The elephant was slurped into a different tube. He was pinned by a giant egg. Yolk was dripping from the top of his head and down the front of his leg. All of the mixture swirled together and oozed through tubes at the top. Hoobert wondered if the buttermilk blender was ever going to stop.

           Hoobert and the elephant were thrown across the other side of the lake. They landed on top of a giant cookie sheet next to an upside-down pineapple cake. Their bodies were buried up to their necks. They couldn’t wiggle a toe. They were stuck in the middle of a double-dip glob of chocolate-chip-cookie-mint dough. The man spoke again. “Hello, my friends.  I’m so glad you’re still alive.  I just bought myself a brand new oven and I’d like to bake you both alive. I’m excited to eat you, Hoobert Whoever. Where in the world have you been? You’re going to make a delicious dessert and so will your elephant friend.”

A shiny, new oven opened its door. The cookie sheet started to slide. The two couldn’t move their arms or their legs, although both of them desperately tried. 
            “We have to do something,” Hoobert whispered to his pal. “What do you think we should do?”

            “I know what I’m doing,” the elephant said. “How much cookie dough can you chew?”Hoobert began scooping with his nose and his mouth. The elephant used his trunk. They scooped and gobbled the double-dip-dough and ate most of the chocolate chip gunk.

            Hoobert hopped up on the elephant’s back. The flames of the oven were hot. “Fly away now!” Hoobert declared, but the elephant tried and could not. “I ate too much cookie dough,” the elephant said. “I don’t fly very well when I’m stuffed. Our only chance is to jump over the cliff. What do you see over the bluff?” Hoobert balanced his feet on the elephant’s back. He saw a milky, white fog below. The cookie sheet was rocking on top of a ledge. There was nowhere else to go. Hoobert heard bubbles fizzing and foaming. It smelled like a root beer float. 
             “We’re going to drown if we jump right now. We need to find a boat.”
             “We have no choice,” the elephant said. “On three we’ve got to go. One, Two…” Hoobert jumped first and they both disappeared below.

Chapter Three: “One Soofle, Two Soofle, Three Soofle, Four…”

              The elephant screamed as loud as he could. His trunk was swollen and red. His eyes were as pink as his elephant skin and popped out the front of his head. Hoobert never heard an elephant scream. It reminded him of a train. It sounded as loud as a horn on a fire truck. The pachyderm was truly in pain.

             The two of them landed inside a lagoon. The splash was as high as the sky. The elephant floated to an abandoned beach where a sign was posted nearby. Hoobert was trying to float but he thought he was going to drown. The current was dragging him farther away into The Land of the Upside-Down. Suddenly, Hoobert saw a boat, but the elephant had no worries at all. He made it to shore, prepared for a nap, and was listening to Root Beer Falls. His belly was stuffed with enough cookie dough to stay afloat for many years... then Hoobert was watching when something jumped out of the water and lassoed both of his ears.

              The elephant trumpeted a thundering sound. His trunk stood straight in the air. He tried to wiggle and wriggle out of the rope, but the advantage was clearly unfair. He struggled with the rope for as long as he could until he washed upon a beach. The sand was actually a blend of brown sugar with a scent of vanilla and peach.

              The elephant was tired. He tried to call Hoobert, but he desperately needed some rest. He had two tons of double-dip dough in his belly that hadn’t had time to digest. The rope was now tangled all over his body. It covered his ears and his eyes. It looked like he was at a masquerade ball or dressed in a scary disguise.

                “Are you alright?” Hoobert yelled to his pal from across the lagoon, who was tired and ready for a nap.

                “I’m fine.” The elephant waved his trunk. “I just fell into a licorice trap. Try to enjoy yourself,” the elephant said. “I’m taking a nap right here. Wake me up if you get into trouble or if trouble suddenly appears.”

                Hoobert began swimming his way to the boat when he saw he wasn’t alone. There was a man sitting inside of the boat talking on a cellular phone. He had a purple top hat on top of his head. It looked like an ice cream cone. “Hello, Sir,” Hoobert said to the man and the man quickly hung up his phone.

               “Who’s that? Hoobert? Hoobert is that you? I’ve been looking for you all over town! You’re the most famous Whoever who’s ever been swimming in The Land of the Upside-Down! Please climb aboard. There’s a ladder right here. You’ll soon be on solid ground. The Queen is waiting to shake your hand at the Royal Lost and Found.”

              “What do you mean?” Hoobert asked the man. “Is everything okay?”

              “Of course it is! Are you confused? Well, sometimes it’s better that way. Sit down in my boat. I’ll explain some things before I take you into town. You’ll see for yourself why we call this place The Land of the Upside-Down.”

             “What about the Wherever Police?” Hoobert asked the man… then he heard a spectacular sound! It rocked the boat and rippled the water like an earthquake shaking the ground.

             “Your elephant snores quite loudly,” said the man, “but don’t worry about a thing. If everything goes according to plan maybe he’ll start to sing!”

             “Should we wake him up?” Hoobert was concerned. “He could come along for the ride.”

             “He’s a big elephant,” the man replied, “and our boat isn’t very wide. Now listen to me, Hoobert Whoever… here is your special treat. In this box is a flower that will give you the power for wings to grow on your feet.” The man reached into his small, wooden box. It was filled with dozens of petals. Each one was dyed a deep bluish-green like the color of an old, copper kettle. The man gave Hoobert a handful to eat, but Hoobert only nibbled on one. Hoobert swallowed the flower and looked for his wings, but on his feet he saw there were none.

Hoobert gobbled the rest of the flowers. They tasted like blueberry pie. He chewed the petals and ate the stems. Now, his feet were ready to fly. A pair of wings grew out from his ankles, no bigger than a tiny bird’s. “It’s the power of flowers,” replied the man. “It’s hard to explain with words.”

               Hoobert instantly flipped upside-down. His wings were flapping in the breeze. His knees were bent like an acrobat’s soaring high on a flying trapeze. “Just follow me,” the man said with a smile. “I know which way we should go. If I can do anything to make your flight any better, please do let me know.”

               Hoobert sailed upside-down in the air. He saw the elephant sleeping below. He wanted to tell him where he was going, but the truth was he didn’t really know. “Your elephant will be fine,” assured the man. “A nap is always the best. Never wake up a sleeping elephant, especially if it needs its rest.”

               Hoobert enjoyed being upside-down. The view was amazingly clear. He felt like an astronaut floating high up in space along the edge of the atmosphere. He saw a field of beautiful flowers. “Those are Soofles,” replied the man. “There’s Blueberry, Strawberry, Raspberry and Lemon. The lemon ones melt in your hand. We eat the Soofles to help us survive. Each flower has what we need. We tried to develop a Super-Duper Soofle, but somebody lost the seed. Raspberry Soofles are especially important. They’re the source of most of our food. Strawberry Soofles will make you light-headed and put you in a very good mood. Lemon Soofles will quench your thirst. Their taste is actually quite tame, and the Blueberry Soofles will flip you around. That’s how this land got its name.”

                  “What’s that building way over there? It looks like a church with a steeple.”

                  “That’s the residence of the Queen herself, but it’s banned from ordinary people. Rarely does the Queen leave the palace, except to inspect the mines. All of the chocolate chips grow there on thousands of chocolate chip vines. The Queen inspects each chocolate chip, but the vines have thorns like a rose. If you accidentally chop a chip into flakes, the smell will go straight up your nose.”

                  “Will I be able to visit the Queen?”

                  “Of course! You’re a guest in this land! The Queen’s arranged a parade in your honor complete with a marching band. A statue of you has been made out of chocolate and smothered with coconut shavings. The Queen paid for the entire parade with money from her personal savings. She’s eager to meet you and your elephant. She can’t wait to shake your hand. There has never been a Whoever before who’s ever stepped foot in this land.”

                “That sounds very nice,” Hoobert was humble,  “but listen to this instead. I think somebody in this land, right now, wants me and my elephant dead.”  The man laughed out loud until his stomach hurt. His cheeks turned raspberry red. “Why in the world,” the man asked Hoobert, “would anybody want you dead?” Hoobert shrugged his shoulders. He hadn’t a clue. He didn’t know what to say. Maybe he was just imagining things that happened earlier that day.

 Chapter Four : Flying frogs and Talking Birds...again 

                 Hoobert flew over a miniature village. The houses were all in a row but he didn’t see any people in the homes or out in the streets below. The houses were built with cinnamon sticks and glued with sugary gumdrops. The streets were paved with peanut brittle and lined with huge lollipops. “This is a typical village,” the man told Hoobert. “Everyone is usually there, but right now they’re either at the Queen’s parade or enjoying the Royal Fair.”

“I’m honored,” said Hoobert, “but I wish I brought a gift to give to the Queen.”

               “Don’t worry,” said the man. “She has a pile of toys, including a time machine.”

               “Really?” asked Hoobert. “I’ve wanted one of those ever since I was a boy.”

               “It looks like a spider web,” the man replied. “It’s quite an amazing toy.”

               “Have you ever been inside?” Hoobert asked. “How does it work? Do you know?”

               “There’s really nothing to it,” the man explained. “You just type in a time then go.”

              “Where did she buy it? How was it made? Is it a REAL time machine?”

              “I know it’s real, but I don’t know anything else. You’ll have to ask the Queen.”

              “Maybe when I meet the Queen I can ask to go for a ride.”

              “First, you have to enter the palace. It’s very difficult to get inside. The Queen is a very private person, but you’ll meet her at the parade. She looks like a toad, and so do her dogs and so do her chambermaids.”

              “Is she wrinkly and stinky?” Hoobert said with a scowl.  “Does she have a big wart on her nose?”

              “She looks like a witch,” the man confessed, “but she dresses in very nice clothes. You’ll meet her later,” the man declared, “but our flight is nearing the end. After I say the magical words, your body will slowly descend.”

              Hoobert was nervous. His stomach flip-flopped. He felt like a sick, little bird. “Are you ready?” asked the man. “We’re going to land when I say the magical words. You might already know what they are. I’ll give you a small, little hint. You used them before to open a door. It’s ‘Double-Dip-Chocolate-Mocha-Chip-Mint.’” Hoobert’s stomach suddenly flopped. His neck had a terrible crick. “Don’t open your eyes,” the man advised, “or else you’re going to get sick. Your arms will flip. Your feet will flap. Your nose may suddenly itch. Your stomach will jump. Your heart might thump and your toes may suddenly twitch.”

               Hoobert prepared to land on the ground, but most of his body resisted. His arms weren’t flipping and his feet weren’t flapping because most of his body was twisted. “Open your eyes and look at mine.” The man’s eyes were black as coal. “Flip your body, up and over, like you’re doing a forward roll.” Hoobert did exactly as he was told but the ground was getting near. He knew if he didn’t do a forward roll the problem would be much more severe. “Now tuck,” said the man. “Tuck and roll. Swing your legs behind your head.” Hoobert’s ankles were tangled together and the ground was ten feet ahead.

             “Perfect!” said the man. Both of them landed on the backs of two giant frogs. “These are the Queen’s favorite pets. She loves them more than her dogs. Sorry about the landing. How does it feel? Are you happy to be back on the ground?”

             “My head feels dizzy, a little bit numb… like I’ve been riding a merry-go-round.”

             “Oh, that’s quite common. Don’t worry about that. Your head will begin to feel better. Now, I have something for you in my hat. I think it’s an important letter.”

              “What is it?” Hoobert asked. “What does it say?  Who would ever write to me?”

              “I don’t know what it says but it’s from the Queen. Let’s open it so we can see.” The man tipped his hat up in the air. A letter appeared in his hand. It was colored with crayons in purples and pinks, but the address was Wonderland. “I’m sorry,” said the man. “This one isn’t for you. I seldom make a mistake. Your letter is here. Just give me a minute. That’s all the time this should take.” 
             The man reached up and tipped his hat. Hoobert thought this was funny. A letter fell out of his hat once more, but it was addressed to the Easter Bunny. The man kept trying again and again, but things weren’t getting any better. There were plenty of letters to Santa Claus, but still no sign of Hoobert’s letter.

             “I guess I can’t find it. Sorry about that. This has never happened before. Maybe it slipped out of the top of my hat and fell to the forest floor. I’m sure the Queen made a copy for herself to keep as a souvenir. I’m sorry, Hoobert. I don’t know what to say, but your letter has disappeared.”

              “I’m a little upset,” Hoobert admitted,  “but I do have a question for you. Why am I sitting on top of this frog? What is it supposed to do?”

             “These frogs are two of the Queen’s royal pets. ‘Etcetera’ is both of their names. They hop when you touch the tops of their heads. They’re training for the Royal Games, but don’t touch them yet!” The man exclaimed. “We’re not quite ready to go. First, we need to fasten our seat belts in case the wind decides to blow.” The man turned his hat upside-down. Two seat belts fell in his lap. Hoobert fastened himself to his frog and buckled the ends of his strap.

The wind was beginning to blow down their backs and Hoobert shivered in the breeze. Then he felt the sandpaper tongue of his over-sized frog licking the skin on his knees. “Are we ready? Can we go?”
             Hoobert was anxious. “I think my frog needs dinner.”

             “We’re almost ready.” The man buckled his belt. “The first one there is the winner!”

             Hoobert tapped the frog on top of his head, but the frog didn’t move an inch. He sat in the grass like a giant, stone statue. His eyes didn’t wink or flinch. “Mush!” Hoobert yelled. “I said, ‘Mush!’ Hurry up! Don’t you know what that means?”

            “I’m a frog not a dog,” the frog politely replied, “and I only give rides to the Queen.”

            “I forgot to mention, your frog is very polite. Try using a word like ‘Please.’" “Please, can you take me to see the Queen? My nose is starting to freeze.”

                The frog squatted down and leaped into the air as fast as a runaway rabbit. “You can thank me anytime,” the frog answered back. “Being polite is a very good habit.” Hoobert saw the man hopping along on his frog. His hat was still on his head. He looked like he was riding a rodeo horse or a mechanical bull instead. His arms were flailing up in the air. His frog was as big as a horse. He was bouncing between the bushes and trees like the forest was an obstacle course

.

Hoobert finally caught up to the man. He was huffing with all of his might. “These frogs can fly so don’t be surprised if suddenly we both take flight.” Before the man finished his sentence his frog grew wings like a bird. The man yelled something way up in the air, but Hoobert couldn’t hear the words.

           Then Hoobert’s frog leaped into the clouds. They were glowing like an oil painting. The clouds were trimmed with gold and orange but Hoobert felt like he was fainting. He flew too high too fast. His head was woosy. His arms and his legs were numb. His face was blue, his ears were too, and so were the tips of his thumbs. Hoobert slumped to one side of his frog. His seatbelt snapped like a thread. He fell over like a sock in a washing machine with his feet up over his head. 
           A breeze blew under and chilled his body. The wind blew up in his face. He was falling through the clouds when he heard a voice, “This land is a dangerous place.”

           It was the big bellied-bird Hoobert met before in the Land of the Rightside-Up. She was flying by herself with her wings outstretched…on her head was a small teacup. “Hold steady, now,” she said out loud and Hoobert landed flat on her back. He plopped in the space right between her wings but the teacup didn’t even crack. “Is my teacup alright?” asked the big-bellied bird. “Is it still on top of my head?”

          “I think so,” said Hoobert. “I can barely see it. It’s smaller than a needle and thread.”

          “I know it’s tiny,” said the big-bellied bird, “but it’s perfect for one sip of tea. I fly all the way down here for one sip of tea so it’s a perfect teacup for me. Now if you’d like, we can fly to the top of the nearest rainbow. Your friend and frog will be waiting for you there. They think you fell inside a volcano. Or if you’d like, you can fly with me to the Land of the Rightside-Up. I’m flying home after I go to the store and fill up my teacup.”

            “I think I should go and meet my friend. We’re going to visit the Queen.”

            “I think what you really want to do is to ride in that time machine. I know all about that,” said the big-bellied bird. “The Palace is a dangerous place. The time machine is impossible to find. It’s hidden behind a bookcase.”

            “You know where it is?” Hoobert seemed surprised. “You know it’s precise location?”

            “I stumbled upon it a long time ago at a party for the Queen’s coronation.”

           “Why don’t you come along with us,” Hoobert suggested. “It’s not that far of a ride.”

           “I would,” said the bird, “but the Palace is dangerous and it’s easy to get lost inside. There are hundreds of rooms with thousands of books. They’re stacked on every wall. The Queen has every book that’s ever been written inside of the Royal Hall. There are booby traps and secret doors. It’s an incredible, confusing maze. If you had the chance to find the machine it would take you a thousand days. I’d rather not go,” admitted the bird, “but I wish you the best of luck. Now hold onto my feathers. The wind is picking up. I’m about to dip-and-tuck.” The bird dipped down and soared through the air. The rainbow was shining ahead. Hoobert saw the man’s silhouette on top and his hat was still on his head.

Chapter Five: On top of the Rainbow

                Hoobert landed with some feathers in hand. “Hey, Mister! I’m right over here!” But the man couldn’t hear because one of his fingers was stuck inside one of his ears. The bird flew closer and Hoobert saw him talking on the telephone. He also noticed that both of his ears were incredibly overgrown.

                The man turned around. “Hoobert!” he yelled. “I’m so happy you’re still alive! I was just on the phone with the Queen herself waiting for you to arrive.”

              “I’m fine,” said Hoobert. “I fell off my frog, but why are your ears so big?”

             “Oh, don’t worry about me,” the man told Hoobert. “My ears grow like a pig’s. I’ve been on the phone with the Queen herself. She was worried about our trip. She offered a reward for your safe return: one hundred thousand mint chocolate chips. She’ll be very, very happy to know that you’re safe. She was very much afraid. I’ll call her immediately and tell her the news …that we’re on our way to the parade!”

             When the man began to dial the phone the big-bellied bird flew away. “I must say goodbye,” the bird told Hoobert. “It’s tea time for me today. But if you ever do get to go to the palace and finally meet the Queen, look for the book ‘I was there.’ It’s near the time machine.” The bird flew away. Hoobert was sad. He didn’t even want to look. “Never forget that title!” said the bird. “It’s a very important book.” The bird dipped down behind the clouds and disappeared into the sky. Hoobert was left with the name of a book, but he didn’t exactly know why.

            “That bird is silly,” the man told Hoobert. “The Queen is very excited. I just got off the phone with her. There’s a chance that I may be knighted! But there isn’t much time to dwell on that. The parade is about to begin. We must hop on our frogs at once,” said the man. “There’s Goosebumps all over my skin.” 
             The man hopped up on top of his frog. He held his hat with both of his hands. “We’ll slide to the bottom of this rainbow,” he said, “then visit an ice cream stand.” Hoobert was hungry. He licked his lips as the man began to slide. Both of the frogs were extremely nervous. The rainbow was only two inches wide.

              The man began sliding on top his frog like a toboggan going down a hill then he quickly rolled over, grabbed the frog’s neck, and the two took a dangerous spill. The frog fell off the side of the rainbow but, luckily, he knew how to fly. He stretched his wings and landed safely on the ground. Now, it was Hoobert’s turn to try.

             Hoobert wasn’t encouraged by what he just saw.  It looked like a dangerous ride. Sliding down rainbows was definitely something Hoobert had never tried. He looked down to the ground and saw the man no bigger than a tiny speck. Hoobert was shivering and the hairs were standing straight up on the back of his neck.

            “Hurry up, Hoobert! We’ll miss the parade!” the man hollered up to the top. Hoobert knew it was his turn to go, but his frog was too scared to hop. The frog inched forward then the two began sliding as if sledding down a hill. Hoobert’s own grip just to hang on required a tremendous amount of skill. The wind was whipping. The frog was slipping, but Hoobert was wide-awake.

             “I think it’s time,” Hoobert said to the frog. “Can you slam on both of your breaks?”

              A high-pitched screech pierced through the air. The frog dug in with both heels. A thick, black smoke poured out of the back like a freight train spinning its wheels. Hoobert screamed as loud as he could. There wasn't even a chance to wave. Hoobert could only cover his eyes and hope that him and his frog would be saved. 

            At the very last second, the flying frog spread its pair of translucent, cellophane wings. Then he and Hoobert floated down to the ground without any problem as if they were hooked onto strings. “I’m glad you made it!” the man told Hoobert when he landed. “Hoobert... now you can open your eyes. Sliding down rainbows gets a little bit easier when you’ve done it a couple of tries.”

Chapter Six: Ice Cream Cones or Pots of Gold?

              Hoobert peeked slowly through each of his fingers. His hand covered most of his face. He saw a sliver of an ice cream stand and a beautiful forest. The land was a magical place. “How about an ice cream?” the man asked Hoobert. “The flavor is quite divine. It’s Double-Dip-Chocolate-Mocha-Chip-Mint. The flavor is a favorite of mine.” The man handed Hoobert an ice cream cone. “Does it feel good to be back on the ground?” but before Hoobert could say a single word he heard a rather large rumbling sound.

              “Do you hear that noise?” he asked the man. “It might be the sound of thunder. If it starts to rain we should find some shelter, some place where we can stand under.”

              “I don’t hear it at all,” said the man. “I think you bit into a chip. Sometimes a chip will cause you to hear sounds especially if it’s double-dipped.”

                Hoobert licked his ice cream again. He heard the sound once more. “The sound is getting closer,” he said. “It’s shaking the forest floor.”

               “Don’t be silly,” the man told Hoobert. “You and I are all alone. Maybe there are too many double-dip chips inside of your ice cream cone.”

               Hoobert examined the double-dip chips. He was certain that he heard a sound. He heard it again. “Listen!” he said. “Something is shaking the ground!”

              “You must calm down,” the man told Hoobert. “Everything is going to be fine. Whatever you had inside of your ice cream certainly wasn’t in mine. Try to relax. You had too many chips. Sometimes you’ll eat a bad bunch. If you keep hearing a sound that I don’t hear I have some medicine that you can munch.”

              “It’s not the ice cream!” Hoobert insisted. “It’s a sound with tremendous power. It’s coming this way and it’s traveling at speeds of up to one hundred miles an hour! It’s more of a thump, a thumpity thump, a gallop, then a thunkity thunk."
              “There it is!” yelled the man. Hoobert turned around and his  smile was as big as the moon. “My elephant! My elephant! You finally made it!  You ran all the way from the lagoon!”

               “I did,” said the elephant. “It took a long time. Sorry if I made you worry.”

                 “Not at all,” said Hoobert. “Sorry I left you. I guess we were in kind of a hurry.”

                  “That’s nice,” said the man. “You both apologized. Now, I hope you feel much better. Now, I see there’s something stuck in your trunk. It looks like an important letter.”

                 “Oh,” said the elephant. “This is for Hoobert. I found it underneath a tree.”

                “How do you know?” Hoobert wondered out loud. “How do you know it’s for me?”

                 “Your name is written across the front. A ribbon’s attached to the lip. I think it’s a letter from the Queen herself. It’s sealed with a chocolate chip.” The elephant extended his mighty trunk. He placed the letter in Hoobert’s hand. 
                 “Open it now,” the man told Hoobert. “That’s the most important letter in the Land.” Hoobert opened the envelope carefully. It required all of his concentration. “What does it say?” the man was impatient. “It looks like an invitation.” Hoobert began to read the letter, but the words were upside-down. He was finally able to read the letter when he turned the letter around.

                 “Dear Mr. Whoever,” the letter began. “Please come to the Palace for punch. I’d like to meet you, pour you a drink, and have Strawberry Sooffles for lunch. It’s so nice of you to visit our land. I’ve seen your picture in a magazine. I look forward to meeting you, Mr. Whoever. All of my love, The Queen.’”

                  “Congratulations, Hoobert!” The man shook his hand.
                 “The Palace is a beautiful place. There’s a chandelier in every room and a flower in every vase. You’re going to love the royal bouquets. The Queen has a wonderful florist. We’ll go to the palace after the parade, but first we must cross the forest. Now it’s time to prepare for our journey. You must eat this chocolate chip. It will give your body enough energy to last throughout the trip. You and I will ride on top. The frogs will crawl on the ground. Their nose will be able to lead the way better than any bloodhound. You and I will need someplace to sit, like a throne or a comfortable chair. I’ll also need a double-bit rein for both of the frogs to wear.” 
                      The man began searching inside of his hat. He found the double-bit rein. “Please put this on the frogs,” he said. “I promise it won’t cause any pain. I need your elephant to lift us up. We’ll need to borrow his trunk.” The elephant obeyed the man’s commands with a *plop* and a slight *kerplunk.* The man searched his hat one last time. “This chair should do us just fine. It’s an antique gondola from a hot air balloon built in 1969.” The man strapped the gondola to the elephant’s back. “We’re ready!” he said with a grin. He tugged on the reins like he was riding a horse. “Our journey’s about to begin!”

                The frogs kept their heads close to the ground. They crawled through bushes and trees. They followed a spider under a mushroom patch and found some killer bees. “I was worried about that,” the man told Hoobert. “Those bees will eat us alive. We’d better get out of this area right now, before somebody steps on their hive. Whatever you do, don’t dangle your arms in case they might attack. Please go faster!” the man yelled to the frogs. “We need to pick up the slack!”

                The elephant’s feet pummeled the ground with the sound of thuds and thumps. The frogs leaped over bushes and boulders and swallowed some sticks and stumps. A narrow path winded its way through the forest between the bushes and trees. “Be careful,” said the man. “Some of these bugs can carry a deadly disease.” The frogs snorted and sniffed under each log. The elephant began to trot. The gondola kept swaying back and forth. Hoobert was sweaty and hot.

               The frogs suddenly came to a stop when they discovered a small, orange door. They searched behind the trunk of a tree where they stumbled upon one more. One door was hidden behind a bush. The other was next to a tree. Hoobert said with a hint of suspicion, “These doors look familiar to me.” Both doors were as old as the forest itself. Each one was covered in vines. A twig was sticking out of the ground. Attached to it was a sign. 
               “Which door do we open?” Hoobert was curious. “They both must lead somewhere. The only hint we have is this small, little sign and the top of it says, ‘BEWARE!’”

               Hoobert climbed down the elephant’s back to read the strange-looking sign. He wiped away some of the dirt and suddenly the words began to shine. “Your journey has taken you deep into the forest. There is no escape from here. You have chosen to walk a dangerous path. There are many reasons to fear. The other side awaits you now. What will be of tomorrow? One door will bring you happiness. One door will bring you sorrow…that’s all the sign says,” 
               Hoobert said to the man. “So, what would you like to do?”
             “I think you need to make a decision which door you want to go through.”

              “And if I can’t decide? What will happen? We’ll be stuck in the forest forever?”

            “I’m sure sooner or later someone will ask, ‘Whatever happened to Hoobert Whoever? You must choose a door,” the man told Hoobert. “Close your eyes and squint. Remember to say the magical words, ‘Double-Dip-Chocolate-Mocha-Chip-Mint.’” A door swung open with an awesome power like an airplane door in flight. A tremendous force pulled everyone inside and Hoobert disappeared from sight.

 Chapter Seven: Double-Crossed, Double Dipped & Double Trouble!

             The gondola flew off the elephant’s back. It flipped up and out of control. It landed in a field of Strawberry Sooffles next to a watering hole. The elephant rolled over and bumped his head. He was shaken but he wasn’t hurt. The man was stuck up high in a tree and Hoobert was covered in dirt. “We went through a warp zone,” the man declared. “The parade is right over there. The music should be starting very, very soon. If you’d like we can fly through the air.”

             “Where are the frogs?” Hoobert was curious. “Did they make it through the door?”

             “I don’t think so,” the elephant said. “I don’t see them around anymore.”

            “The frogs can take care of themselves,” said the man. “They’ll meet us at the parade. They like to be alone during this time when the ground has plenty of shade. Your elephant is probably too tired to fly,

so we’ll walk up over the hill.  I have some medicine if your elephant is sick, but it’s my only pachyderm pill.”

             “I’m tired,” the elephant groaned and grimaced. “How long do we have to go?” 
             “We’ll be there shortly. It’s over this hill. I can hear the start of the show.”

              The three of them walked up over the hill and Hoobert kept blinking his eyes. He saw the Royal Palace but there was no parade…

just a sign that said, “SURPRISE!”

             “Where is everybody?” Hoobert asked the man. “There’s nobody here but us.”

             “I have a feeling,” the elephant said, “that we should have taken the bus.”

            “This is the end,” the man told Hoobert. “You’ve both been extremely bold and brazen, but the time has come for both of you

to be covered in nuts and raisins. The palace is locked. There is no escape. I hope you’ve had your fun. I’ve got you both exactly where I want you now so please don’t try and run. There is a cookie factory inside of my hat and when I wiggle my nose, a vacuum will pop out of the top of my hat and slurp you into a hose."

              The man wiggled his grimy nose. The factory popped out of his hat. The elephant hid behind a rolling pin and Hoobert ducked under a mat. “Where did you go? I can’t see you,” said the man.

“Come out where I know where you are. You and your elephant are not near your home so it’s impossible to go very far.”

         “Run!” Hoobert yelled to his elephant friend. They ran through the cookie machine. “Our only chance is to enter the palace and try to be saved by the Queen!” 
             The man could hear Hoobert’s voice. “Come out wherever you are! I work for the Queen! I was hired to find you and put you in her cookie jar!” 

             Hoobert and the elephant ran to the palace. It had towers up to the sky. The drawbridge was made out of mint chocolate chips and the roof was a blueberry pie. “I see you now! Get away from that door!” Hoobert was tired from the sprint. He knew the words to open the doors were “Double-Dip-Chocolate-Mocha-Chip-Mint.”

            The door swung open and both Hoobert and the elephant quickly stepped inside. The palace door shut behind them and Hoobert was happy to finally have someplace to hide. “Have you ever seen such an incredible room? There’s books on every wall.” In the corner was a giant dictionary that had to be twenty feet tall.

            “It’s a beautiful place but we’re still in danger.” The elephant reminded his friend. “I think we should go and find the Queen or do you think she’s just pretend?”

            “I think she’s for real,” Hoobert was certain, “but she could be nasty and mean. I think our only chance for us to escape is to find the time machine.”

             The two tiptoed carefully around the room. A chandelier swung over their head. It crashed to the ground and broke into pieces on top of a queen-sized bed. “Be careful,” Hoobert warned the elephant. “Nobody should know we’re here. Be careful of booby traps and holes in the floor. I think the coast is clear.”

             The two walked out into the hallway. More books adorned the walls. The floor was covered with electronic games, hula-hoops and balls. Hoobert heard footsteps around the corner. He looked for a place to hide. The Queen was angry. Her voice was squeaky. “What do you mean he’s inside!”

             The Queen was talking into a banana-shaped phone. She was no taller than an elf. Hoobert was listening from inside of the room. He saw the Queen was all by herself. “He escaped again? I’ll find out where both of them are hiding. And when I find him I’ll decide what to do, but I always have trouble deciding.”

            The footsteps were getting closer by the second. Hoobert’s back was against the wall. The Queen kept walking past the room, but she didn’t see Hoobert at all. “That was a close one,” the elephant said. “What do you want to do now?”

            “I want to find the time machine, but I don’t exactly know how.”

            “Hoobert,” said the Queen. “Where are you are hiding? Boys will always be boys. If you let me know where you and your friend are hiding, you can play with one of my toys.”

            “Did you hear that?” Hoobert whispered. “Maybe we can go in the machine!” Hoobert decided the best thing to do was to go out and meet the Queen.

            “Excuse me, your Majesty. We’re both over here. This has all been a terrible mess. I must say, you look lovely today. You’re wearing a beautiful dress.”

            “Hoobert!” she squirmed. The Queen was surprised. “You have quite an imagination. I’d like you to meet Alice and Alice. They’re my prize-winning Dalmatians.” Two dogs came running out from a room. Drool was flying from their lips. The Queen tossed them each a biscuit made from mint chocolate chips.

             “What a pair of beautiful dogs.” Hoobert was scared to death. “They have beautiful fur and beautiful teeth and I’m sure they have lovely breath.”

           “I’m glad you like them.” The Queen was proud. “The dogs have an excellent bite. So, if you try to run, the dogs will find you and there won’t be much of a fight.”

           “That won’t be necessary,” Hoobert insisted. “I wouldn’t want to be a pest. I have a question for you, however, your Majesty. It’s my only request as your guest.”

           “What is your request?” the Queen smirked with a quirk. She seemed a little confused.

           “Can we go for a ride in your time machine?” The Queen was not amused. 
           “Who told you about that? That is a secret! Nobody knows about that but me!”

              “A friend said something,” Hoobert told the Queen. “So can we ride it for free?”

            “The time machine doesn’t exist anymore! You and your friend are a spy!! I know exactly what I’ll do with you now. I’ll bake you into a pie!”

              Hoobert knew it didn’t look good. The Queen was an excellent cook. She would either bake them inside of a blueberry pie or smush them inside of a book. “Run!” Hoobert yelled and both of them fled through the maze of twisted halls. Hoobert tripped over the electronic games, the hula hoops and balls. The Queen was yelling, the Dalmatians were barking like a pack of wild dogs. Hoobert wished he could fly away now on one of those magical frogs.

            Hoobert kept running, twisting and turning. The elephant was at his side. Books were falling all over the place until they ran out of places to hide. Hoobert’s face was against the wall when he noticed a book on the floor. It was the same exact book the big-bellied bird had mentioned to Hoobert before.

              I was there was the name of the book. Hoobert flipped open the cover.He saw an inscription written in ink, “The things I have yet to discover.” The dogs were getting closer and closer. The Queen was mad and mean. Then the wall spun around like a revolving door and there was the time machine.

             Hoobert and the elephant hopped inside. A red lever began to glow. A computer voice said, “Please state your name, year and the place you would like to go.” The metal door shut, the dogs banged their nose, and Hoobert pulled the red lever.

              “Take me away! I want to go home and my name is Hoobert Whoever!”

               Hoobert woke up the very next morning. His alarm clock was beeping and glowing. He looked outside his bedroom window. It was chilly and the wind was blowing.  His mother called up from the bottom of the stairs, “Hoobert, it’s time to get up!” She poured a glass of fresh, chocolate milk into Hoobert’s favorite cup.

               Hoobert closed his bedroom window then looked at his rocking chair. All of his stuffed animals, except for two, were safely sitting there. The big-bellied bird and the giant, pink elephant were nowhere to be found. Maybe they were still stuck in the dream, Hoobert thought, or sleeping outside on the ground.

              Hoobert’s mother was in the kitchen with an apron tied around her waist. “Hoobert,” she called upstairs, “I have a surprise. Would you like to come down for a taste?” Hoobert walked down the stairs. The air was sticky and sweet. His father was reading the morning newspaper with red slippers on both of his feet.

            When Hoobert saw his mother in the kitchen, he couldn’t believe his eyes. She was dressed in the same dress worn by the queen, but she wore a bigger size! Hoobert tripped over the kitchen stool.

He couldn’t begin to speak. He gulped a sip of chocolate milk and swished it around his cheeks.

            “What’s the matter, Hoobert?” his mother asked. “You look like you saw a ghost.” 
             “Nothing, mom. I’m alright, “But maybe I do need some toast.” Hoobert glanced at his father. The paper covered his face and on the front page was somebody’s picture that looked like the man from that magical place!

            “Hoobert, what is it?” His mother asked. “Did you have some sort of a dream?

             Let me fix you some blueberry pie with strawberries and whipped cream.”

             “No, thank you, mom. I’m not that hungry,” Hoobert said as went to go sit on his stool.

             “I think I should take a long, hot shower before I get ready for school.”

            “Okay, but before you go, I have a surprise for you dear. I baked you a batch of chocolate chip cookies stuffed with mint chocolate chips.”

            “Thanks, Mom, but I really need to go. There’s something I need to find.” Hoobert ran up the stairs as fast he could ... and tried to rewind his mind. He dashed into his room, opened his window,

and yelled for his elephant friend. “Can anyone tell me what is real or what is just pretend?!?” Hoobert turned around and found his pink elephant sleeping against the wall ...and the big-bellied bird probably knew it was probably best not to respond at all.