Some Like It Soft

by Joe Shaboo

So, I’m still buying ‘ultra soft’ toilet paper at the grocery store without worrying too much about the high price tag.  A while ago, I heard the manufacturing of “ultra soft” toilet paper was an environmental no-no, but I’m not convinced the manufacturing of soft toilet tissue is ruining the planet. Nevertheless, whenever I squeeze the Charmin one too many times I can’t help but feel a little bit queasy.

I think the real #1 problem is that we should have figured out how to save the rainforests before we figured out how to make soft toilet paper.  Marcal “Scott” Charmin once said, “A great civilization is judged not by its copper plumbing, but by the cushiony softness of its assets.”  In my opinion, soft toilet paper has become more important to our survival than the rainforests. Soft toilet paper is now a global, unalienable right of all Homo sapiens, and therefore should be aligned with the highest of our moral respects.  Yet, if we keep continuing to neglect #1 then who really gives a shit about #2?

Most people seem fairly content with believing their own make-believe worlds.  Nobody seems to really mind that the radiation from their cell phone is killing them or that ingesting corn syrup offers the same nutritional value as plastic.  During these fast-paced times, nothing can interrupt our daily doses of wireless chit-chat, chocolate syrup, Slurpees and Bacon-a-tors.  Recently, a retired prison guard credited his good health to the 25,000 Big Macs he’s eaten over the past 39 years. Between the money he’s spent on hamburgers and the money I’ve spent on Charmin Deluxe, we could easily conserve enough Amazon rainforest to protect a few hundred thousand tree frogs and fluorescent toads.

One day, somebody on the planet will discover how to make toilet paper properly and then share that knowledge with the rest of the world.  However, an easier idea to protect the environment would be to buy the Amazon Rainforest once and for all. If Warren “Workin’ on the Railroad” Buffet or Bill “Give it All Away” Gates isn’t interested in acquiring the South American swampland then why doesn’t the United States just pony up a $50 billion bill and buy it?

Buying the Amazon Rainforest is the responsible thing to do at this point.  The purchase could even be viewed as within the national interest of the United States.  Americans do have a large appetite for fresh air so the investment could keep our kids breathing well into the end of the century.  After that, I’m sure fresh air will be available in vending machines nationwide.

There’s an English company on the internet offering to conserve 100 acres of rainforest for every £5,000 donated.  This would make the Amazon Rainforest worth about £50,000,000,000.  In comparison, during 2010 the U.S. spent almost $687 billion on its defense budget, which coincidentally is enough to conserve every single acre of rainforest in the world and also pay for every single plane, missile, boat and bullet in the Chinese army.

Unfortunately, this generation will likely witness both, the destruction of the Amazon rainforest and the increasingly high price tag of velvety, toilet tissue.  The next time you reach for “Pillowy Soft” think about those tree toads.  If we save them first, we just might save ourselves… from seeing fresh air for sale in aisle 9.